Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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