Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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