I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
