I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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