a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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