watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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