I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
