Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
