too bad you live with your parents still
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
