I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
