My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
