how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
