I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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