We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
