he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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