If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
