im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
