I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
