she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
