I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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