I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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