Where did you get a picture of my penis
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
