If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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