hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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