Swine flu. Run for my life!
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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