my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
