his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
