I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
