worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
3pm strippers are depressing
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
