we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
