Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
