they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
No subtext here. People are naked.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
