At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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