please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
