I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
