Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
