So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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