I think i sorta joined a cult last night
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
