They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm at about main and main street
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
