So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
