Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
