he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Is Oprah even human
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
