Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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