I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
