First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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