you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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