dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Randomize
