I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
