You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
