I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
